MY FAVORITE DAD JOKES
Q: What do you call a fish with two knees? A: You call it a two-knee fish.
Q: What kind of shoes do frogs wear? A: Open Toad
Q: What do you call a hippy's wife? A: Missis Hippy (Mississippi )
Q: How does a Japanese Chihuahua say hello? A: Konichahuahua
Q: What do you call a dog who does magic tricks? A: A Labracadabrador
Q: What do you call a Frenchman wearing sandals? A: Philippe Flop
Q:" What's wrong with a chameleon that can't change color? A: Reptile dysfunction
Q: What fish goes best with peanut butter? A: A jellyfish
Q: What's the best day to cook? A: Fryday
Q: What do you call a person with no nose or no body? A: Nobody Knows
Q: What do you call a potato with a penis? A: Dick tater
Q: What’s Forrest Gump’s Facebook password? A: 1forest1.
Q: What do you call an American Bee? A: USB
Q: How do you make a Kleenex dance? A: Put a little boogie in it!
CORNY DAD JOKES
There are so many unique perks to being a dad, but there’s one unlike any other: Bad jokes magically become good! At least in our own minds. But if it’s a delusion, it’s a delusion no one can take from us. Here’s a list of the Corniest Dad Jokes out there. Share them with your kids! Whether it’s raucous laughter from your toddler or a pained eye roll from your teenager, it’s missions accomplished for us! (compiled by Andrew Nadeau - August 31, 2019)
- When does a joke turn into a dad joke?
When it becomes apparent.
- What’s ET short for?
Because he’s only got tiny legs.
- What’s orange and sounds like a parrot?
- I was wondering why this frisbee kept looking bigger and bigger.
Then it hit me.
- What do you call an alligator in a vest?
- What’s brown and sticky?
- What’s black and white and goes around and around?
A penguin in a revolving door.
- I used to be addicted to the hokey pokey.
Then I turned myself around.
- Can a kangaroo jump higher than a house?
Of course. Houses can’t jump.
- Why did the scarecrow win an award?
Because he was outstanding in his field.
- Why did the pirate walk the plank?
His dog was back on land.
- I thought about going on an all-almond diet.
But that’s just nuts.
- Why don’t skeletons ever go trick or treating?
Because they have no body to go with.
- What did the grape do when he got stepped on?
He let out a little wine.
- I used to work in a shoe recycling shop.
It was sole destroying.
- Why did the invisible man turn down the job offer?
He couldn’t see himself doing it.
- What happens when a frog’s car dies?
He needs a jump.
If that doesn’t work he has to get it toad.
- My wife told me to stop acting like a flamingo.
So I had to put my foot down.
- What’s the best time to go to the dentist?
- Why couldn’t the bicycle stand up by itself?
It was two tired.
- How did Darth Vader know what Luke got him for Christmas?
He felt his presents.
- Why did the coffee file a police report?
It got mugged.
RELATED: 100+ Dad Jokes That MOMS Think Are Funny – Scary Mommy
- How do you make a Kleenex dance?
Put some boogie in it!
- What do you call a fake noodle?
- I don’t play soccer because I enjoy the sport.
I’m just doing it for kicks.
- What sound does a witches car make?
- Can one bird make a pun?
No, but toucan.
- What do you call cheese that isn’t yours?
- When is a door not a door?
When it’s ajar.
- I try to avoid eating anchovies.
It’s a little fishy.
- Why can’t you can’t trust atoms?
They make up everything.
- What musical instrument is found in the bathroom?
A tuba toothpaste.
- Most people are shocked when they find out how bad an electrician I am.
- Why did the picture go to jail?
Because it was framed.
- Why was Cinderella thrown off the basketball team?
She ran away from the ball.
- What do sea monsters eat for lunch?
Fish and ships.
- Why was the horse so happy?
Because he lived in a stable environment.
- A termite walks into a bar and says, “Where is the bar tender?”
- Why do seagulls fly over the sea?
Because if they flew over the bay they’d be bagels.
- What was Forrest Gump’s email password?
- How do trees access the internet?
They log in.
- What did one eye say to the other eye?
Between you and me, something smells.
- 3 men are stranded in a boat with 4 cigarettes and no way to light them. So they toss the 4th cigarette overboard, which makes the whole boat a cigarette lighter.
- Why do melons have weddings?
Because they cantaloupe.
- What do you call a cow with a twitch?
- What do you call a cow with no legs?
- What do you call a cow during an earthquake?
- Why do the French never order 2 eggs?
Because one egg is an oeuf.
- What is the best Christmas present ever?
A broken drum – you can’t beat it!
- What did one ocean say to the other ocean?
Nothing, they just waved.
- Why couldn’t the mail person delivery any envelopes?
They were stationary.
- What do ghosts serve for dessert?
- I was going to share a vegetable joke, but it’s corny.
- What do you get when you cross a snoman and a vampire?
- How well did I hang up that picture?
I nailed it.
- Why should you wear 2 pants when you golf?
In case you get a hole-in-one.
- I tried to catch some fog.
But I mist.
- Where does the Easter Bunny go to eat pancakes?
- I can cut down a tree only using my vision.
I saw it with my own eyes.
- Which day do chickens hate the most?
- What did the drummer name his twin daughters?
Anna 1, Anna 2!
- The rotation of earth really makes my day.
- What do sprinters eat before a race?
Nothing, they fast.
- Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
Great food, no atmosphere.
- What’s the difference between a poorly dressed man on a tricycle and a well-dressed man on a bicycle?
- The recipe said, “Set the oven to 180 degrees.”
But now I can’t open it because the door faces the wall.
- What’s the king of all school supplies?
- Why don’t oysters share their pearls?
Because they’re shellfish.
- Where do frogs deposit their money?
In a river bank.
- Why can’t you trust anything balloons say?
They’re full of hot air.
- What did the paper say to the pencil?
You’ve got a good point!
- What do you call the boss at Old McDonald’s Farm?
- Why do skunks celebrate Valentine’s Day?
They’re very scent-imental.
- Why does the clock break when it gets hungry?
It goes back four seconds.
- Why are pigs so bad at sports?
They’re always hogging the ball.
- Why is a doctor always calm?
Because they have a lot of patients.
- How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh?
- What award did the inventor of knock knock jokes get?
The No-bell prize.
- What’s the difference between a guitar and a fish?
You can’t tuna fish.
- Why can’t the bank keep a secret?
It has too many tellers.
- Why are ghosts such bad liars?
You can see right through them.
- How do astronomers organize a party?
- What is the best way to communicate with a fish?
Drop it a line.
- Why is a baseball game a good place to go on a hot day?
Because there are lots of fans.
- Where does the king keep his armies?
In his sleevies.
- How much does a pirate pay for corn?
- Where do sharks go on vacation?
- Why shouldn’t you tell an egg a joke?
Because it might crack up.
- Why is Peter Pan always flying?
- How did the police finally stop the paint thief?
They caught him red handed.
- Why are cats bad storytellers?
Because they only have one tale.
- What does a nosey pepper do?
Gets jalapeno business.
- What gets wetter the more it dries?
- What state do crayons go to on vacation?
- Why did the belt get arrested?
He held up a pair of pants.
- What do you call a baby monkey?
A chimp off the old block.
- What do you get when you cross fish and an elephant?
- Why are frogs so happy?
They eat whatever bugs them.
- Why do geologists hate their jobs?
They get taken for granite.
- What did the shoe say to the confused hat?
You go on ahead.
- Why is it hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs?
They always take things literally.
- I love telling Dad jokes.
Sometimes he even laughs.
- What do you call a boomerang that won’t come back?
- Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees?
Because they’re so good at it.
- What does a zombie vegetarian eat?
- What do Alexander the Great and Winnie the Pooh have in common?
Their middle name.
- A cop just knocked on my door and told me that my dogs were chasing people on bikes.
I told him my dogs don’t even own bikes.
- What’s the resemblance between a red apple and a green apple?
They’re both red. Except for the green one.
- How do you deal with a fear of speed bumps?
You slowly get over it.
- Why did the traffic light turn red?
You would too if you had to change in the middle of the street.
- My dad died when we couldn’t remember his blood type.
He kept insisting we “be positive,” but it’s hard without him.
- How many apples grow on a tree?
All of them.
- How did ancient Grecians get memorialized?
They had to urn it.
- Have you heard about the new corduroy pillowcases?
They’re making headlines.
- Did you know the first French fries weren’t actually cooked in France?
They were cooked in Greece.
- What do you call bears with no ears?
- Does anyone need an ark?
I Noah guy.
- 5/4 of people admit that they’re bad with fractions.
- When does a tailor need to go on vacation?
When they seem stressed.
- What is heavy forward but not backward?
- Why can’t you tell dad jokes until you have kids?
It’s a faux pas.
- I’m very pleased with my new fridge magnet.
So far I’ve got twelve fridges.
- To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you.
You have my Word.
- I’m reading a book about anti-gravity.
It’s impossible to put down.
- Two goldfish are in a tank.
One says to the other, “Do you know how to drive this thing?”
- Two soldiers are in a tank.
One says to the other, “Blubblublubblubblub.”
- Why was the burglar so sensitive?
He takes things personally.
- I wouldn’t buy anything with velcro.
It’s a total rip-off.
- I invented a new word today:
- After dinner, my wife asked if I could clear the table.
I needed a running start, but I made it.
- Why don’t cannibals eat clowns?
They taste funny.
- Why is Orion’s belt the worst constellation?
It’s a waist of space.
- This morning, Siri said, “Don’t call me Shirley.”
I accidentally left my phone in Airplane! mode.
- Why is it so hard to tell a joke about retired people?
None of them work.
- I bought some shoes from a drug dealer.
I don’t know what he laced them with, but I was tripping all day.
- My son put his shoes on the wrong feet.
I don’t even know where he got someone else’s feet.
- The cashier asked if I wanted my milk put in a bag.
I told him to just leave it in the carton.
- What was the most ground-breaking invention?
- I can’t believe I got fired from the calendar factory.
All I did was take a day off.
- Why does putting a car in reverse make you nostalgic?
It takes you back.
- I just found out I’m colorblind.
The diagnosis came completely out of the purple.
- What do you call a fish with no eye?
- A salesman tried to sell me a burial plot.
But that’s the last thing I need.
- To get over claustrophobia, you really need to think outside the box.
- Why aren’t koalas actual bears?
They don’t meet the koalafications.
- Why do flamingoes life one leg up?
If they lifted both they’d fall.
- What do you call a three-footed aardvark?
- I couldn’t quite remember how to throw a boomerang.
Eventually, it came back to me.
- Why do graveyards have gates?
Because people are dying to get in.
- Today my son asked me for a book Mark.
Can’t believe he’s 11 and still doesn’t know I’m named Dave.
- Why did the man decide to sell his vacuum?
It was just collecting dust.
- My wife is really mad at the fact that I have no sense of direction.
So I packed up my stuff and right.
- What concert costs just 45 cents?
50 Cent featuring Nickelback.
- Three conspiracy theorists walk into a bar.
That can’t just be a coincidence.
- If you ever want to talk about why our air conditioning bill is so high, my door is always open.
- What if there were no hypothetical questions?
- Why do Swedish warships have barcodes on them?
So when they dock they can Scandinavian.
- What has four wheels and flies?
A garbage truck.
- I tried watching The Neverending Story.
Couldn’t finish it.
- What do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question?
- What did the man say to the wall?
One more crack like that and I’ll plaster you.
- Don’t worry if your parachute won’t open.
You’ll have the rest of your life to fix it.
- What has one horn and gives milk?
A milk truck.
- Why shouldn’t you try writing with a broken pencil?
- Why should you buy socks with holes in them?
It’s the only way to get your feet in.
- What’s a foot long and slippery?
- Why do scuba divers fall backwards into the water?
If they fell forward they’d still be in the boat.
- What’s the difference in how you cure bird flu and swine flu?
If you have bird flu you need tweetment, if you have swine flu you just need oink-ment.
- Did you hear the joke about the roof?
Never mind, it’s over your head.
- What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary?
- This morning my alarm went off early.
I thought its sell-by date was tomorrow.
- Why should you stay away from trees?
They can be a little shady.
- Why is “R” only a pirate’s second favorite letter?
Because their first love is the C.
- Why do fish live in salt water?
Because pepper makes them sneeze.
- How do you remember which direction the sun rises in?
Eventually, it’ll dawn on you.
- Why are mountains so good at telling jokes?
Because they’re hill areas.
- What do you call a bear with no teeth?
A gummy bear.
- What’s red and smells like blue paint?
- Why did the cowboy get a wiener dog?
He wanted to get a long little doggie.
- What did the buffalo say when his kid left for college?
- When does a dad joke cost $1000?
When it’s a granddad joke.
- Why can’t you trust stairs?
They’re always up to something.
- What did the dumbwaiter say to the elevator?
I think I’m coming down with something.
- What do you call a fly without wings?
- What’s the tallest building in the world?
The library, it has the most stories.
- What’s the best time of day?
6:30, hands down.
- How are a hippo and Zippo similar?
One is very heavy, the other’s only a little lighter.
- What’s the 25th letter of the alphabet?
I don’t know, y?
- What’s Harry Potter’s favorite way to get down a hill?
Walking. JK, Rolling.
- How do you handle a fear of elevators?
You take steps to avoid them.
- How can you tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile?
By whether you see it later or in awhile.
- When geese fly in V-formation, why is one side longer?
There are more geese on that side.
- I have an EpiPen. My friend gave it to me when he was dying, it seemed very important to him that I have it.
- How did the hipster burn his mouth?
He ate the pizza before it was cool.
- How can you tell by someone’s home if they’re a highway robber?
All the signs will be there.
- Can you drop an egg on a concrete floor without cracking it?
Yes, concrete floors are very hard to break.
- How do you lift an elephant with one hand?
You can’t, elephant only have feet.
- What looks like half an apple?
The other half.
- How do you make an egg roll?
Just give it a little push.
- How can you make money while freshening your breath?
- What is the best thing about living in Switzerland?
Well, the flag is a big plus.
- Want to hear a joke about construction?
I’m still working on it.
And here’s some more:
Short Clean Jokes
Q: What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
Q: What has four wheels and flies?
A: A garbage truck.
Q: Where do you find a one legged dog?
A: Where you left it.
Q: What did the water say to the boat?
A: Nothing, it just waved.
Q: What do you get from a pampered cow?
A: Spoiled milk.
Q: How do you organize a space party?
A: You planet.
Q: How do crazy people go through the forest?
A: They take the psycho path.
Q: What do you call a song sung in an automobile?
A: A cartoon.
Q: Why can't your nose be 12 inches long?
A: Because then it would be a foot!
Q: What did the grape do when it got stepped on?
A: It let out a little wine!
Q: What's worse than having a worm in your apple?
A: Taking a bite and finding a half of a worm in the apple!
Q: In which school do you learn to make ice cream?
A: Sunday school! ay!
Q: How do you turn soup into gold?
A: Add twenty four carrots!
Q: What did one plate say to the other?
A: Dinner's on me.
Q: Where does the one legged man work?
A: At IHOP.
Q: What do you call four bull fighters in quicksand?
A: Quatro sinko.
Q: Why was the broom late?
A: It over swept!
Q: What do you get when you cross a vampire with a doctor?
A: Lots of blood
Q: How do you make a tissue dance?
A: Put a little boogey in it!
Q: Why didn't the orange cross the road?
A: It ran out of juice.
Q: Why did the man put his money in the freezer?
A: He wanted cold hard cash!
Q: Why did the traffic light turn red?
A: You would too if you had to change in the middle of the street!
Q: Why can't you borrow money from a leprechaun?
A: Because they're always a little short.
Q: Why did the Orange go out with a Prune?
A: Because he couldn’t find a Date!
Q: Why is it difficult for a pirate to learn the alphabet?
A: Because he's always gets lost at "C"
Q: How is a piece of gum like a sneeze?
A: Its a chew!
Q: What did the melted cheese say to the unlucky tortilla?
A: Man, it's nacho day!
Q: How do scientists keep their breath fresh?
A: With experi-mints.
Q: What type of computer sings?
A: A Dell
Q: What type of shorts does a midget wear?
A: Short, Shorts!
Q: Why did Tommy throw the clock out of the window?
A: Because he wanted to see time fly!
Q: Why don't they serve chocolate in prison?
A: Because it makes you break out!
Q: Why did the boy tiptoe past the medicine cabinet?
A: He didn't want to wake the sleeping pills!
Q: Why was the math book sad?
A: Because it had too many problems.
Q: Did you hear about the guy in the car accident lost his entire left side?
A: I heard he's all right.
Q: What kind of egg did the bad chicken lay?
A: A deviled egg!
Q: Why did the man at the orange juice factory lose his job?
A: He couldn't concentrate!
Q:What lights up a soccer stadium?
A: A soccer match.
Q: How do you repair a broken tomato?
A: Tomato Paste!
Q: Why don't skeletons fight each other?
A: They don't have the guts.
Q: What do prisoners use to call each other?
A: Cell phones.
Q: Whats a bear called without teeth.
A: A gummy bear.
Q: Where do polar bears vote?
A: The North Poll
Q: Why are E.T.'s eyes so big?
A: Because he saw his phone bill.
Q: How do you catch a squirrel?
A: Climb a tree and act like a nut!
Q: What did the fruit tree say to the farmer.
A: Stop picking on me.
Q: What did the judge say when the skunk walked in the court room?
A: Odor in the court.
Q: What do you call a deer with no eyes?
A: No idear
Q: How do you keep an idiot in suspense?
A: Tell you tomorrow
Q: How do bees get to school?
A: On the school buzz!
Q: What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back?
A: A stick.
Q: What do you call a cow who just had a calf?
Q: What do you get when you cross a mean dog and a computer?
A: You get a mega-bite!
Q: What goes up and never comes down?
A: Your age!
Q: Where does dracula keep his money?
A: In the blood bank
Q: If you hold 9 oranges in one hand and 10 lemons in another, what do you have?
A: Really big hands!
Q: What says "oh, oh, oh"?
A: Santa walking backwards
Q: Why wouldn't the Energizer Bunny come out of the bathroom?
A: Because he kept goin! and goin! and goin!
Q: What did the football coach say to the broken vending machine?
A: “Give me my quarterback!”
Q: Why did the baby strawberry cry?
A: Because his parents were in a jam!
Q: What did the bald man say when he got a comb for his birthday?
A: Thanks! I'll never part with it!
Q: What did the hamburger name his daughter?
Q: What happens to cows during an earthquake?
A: They give milk shakes!
Q: What streets do ghosts haunt?
A: Dead ends!
Q: Why did the teacher jump into the lake?
A: Because she wanted to test the waters!
Q: Why didn't the chicken cross the road?
A: He was to chicken.
Q: What do you call a sleepwalking nun?
A: Roamin' Catholic.
Q: What do you call a shoe made from a banana?
A: A Slipper.
Q: What is the difference between a school teacher and a train?
A: The teacher says spit your gum out and the train says "chew chew! chew!"
Q: What do you call someone who is afraid of Santa?
A: A Clausterphobic
Q: Why did the man with one hand cross the road?
A: To get to the second hand shop.
Q: What do you call cheese that is not yours?
A: Nacho Cheese
Q: Have you heard the joke about the butter?
A: I better not tell you, it might spread.
Q: What washes up on very small beaches?
Q: Which weighs more, a ton of feathers or a ton of bricks?
A: Neither, they both weigh a ton!
Q: Why did the barber win the race?
A: Because he took a short cut.
Q: Why did the child study in the airplane?
A: He wanted a higher education!
Q: What type of star is dangerous?
A: A shooting star!
Q: What did the stamp say to the envelope?
A: Stick with me and we will go places!
Q: Why couldn't the pirate play cards?
A: Because he was sitting on the deck!
Q: Did you hear the joke about the roof?
A: Never mind, it's over your head!
Q: What happens if you eat yeast and shoe polish?
A: Every morning you'll rise and shine!
Q: What dog keeps the best time?
A: A watch dog.
Q: How do baseball players stay cool?
A: Sit next to their fans.
Q: Why are some fish at the bottom of the ocean?
A: Because they dropped out of school!
Q: What do lawyers wear to court?
Q: What starts with a P, ends with an E, and has a million letters in it?
A: Post Office!
Q: What did the blanket say to the bed?
A: Don't worry, I've got you covered!
Q: Why did the boy sprinkle sugar on his pillow before he went to sleep?
A: So he could have sweet dreams.
Q: Why did the picture go to jail?
A: Because it was framed.
Q: What kind of key opens a banana?
A: A monkey!
Q: How do you know that carrots are good for your eyesight?
A: Have you ever seen a rabbit wearing glasses?
Q: What did one elevator say to the other elevator?
A: I think I'm coming down with something!
Q: What do you call a bear without an ear?
Q. What do they call pastors in Germany?
A. German Shepherds.
Q: What is the only type of dog that knows what time it is?
A: A watch dog!
Q: Where did the cat go when it lost it's tail?
A: The retail store!
Q: What does a grape say when it gets smushed?
A: Nothing -- it just lets out a little wine!
Q: Why did the farmer have to separate the chicken and the turkey?
A: He sensed fowl play.
Q: Why didn't the teacher fart in the classroom?
A: Because she was a private tooter.
Q: How do you know if there's an elephant under your bed?
A: Because your nose touches the ceiling!
Q: If a whole nation drove pink cars what would it be?
A: A Pink Car-Nation!
Q: What do you find in the middle of nowhere?
A: The letter "h"!
Q: What does a houseboat become when it grows up?
A: A township
Q: What do you get when you cross a library and an elf?
A: A shhh....elf!
Q: What has holes but never spills water?
A: A sponge!
Q: What do you get when you cross sneeze and a punchline?
A: A sick joke.
Q. On your way home you take a right and three lefts then you see two men in masks. Who are those men?
A. They are the umpire and the catcher.
Q: What did one wall say to the other?
A: Meet you at the corner
Q: How do you communicate with a fish?
A: Drop him a line!
Q: What does a shark eat with peanut butter?
Q: Why was the pelican kicked out of the hotel?
A: Because he had a big bill!
Q: Why did the teacher write the lesson on the windows?
A: He wanted the lesson to be very clear!
Q: What kind of lights did Noah use on the Ark?
A: Flood lights!
Q: Why did the robber take a bath?
A: Because he wanted to make a clean getaway.
Q: What kind of shoes do all spies wear?
Q: What do you get when you cross a cat with a lemon?
A: A sour puss!
Q: What can you hold without ever touching it?
A: A conversation.
Q: What clothes does a house wear?
Q: What do you call a pig that does karate?
A: A pork chop.
Q: What do you call a song sung in an automobile?
A: A cartoon.
Q: If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring?
Q: What did the ghost say to the wall?
A: Hey, sorry just passing thru.
Q: Where do germs go on vacation?
A: To Germany.
Q: What do you call a guy with a spear?
Q: What do you call a guy with many spears?
Q: What do you get if you divide the circumference of a jack-o-lantern by it's diameter?
A: Pumpkin Pie
Q: Why don't cannibals eat clowns?
A: Because they taste funny!
Q: What country makes you shiver?
Q: What do you call a pig that does karate?
A: A pork chop.
Q: Who has the right of way any time?
A: The car with gun rack and bumper sticker that reads "Guns don't kill people, I do."
Q: Why do people wear shamrocks on St. Patrick's Day?
A: Regular rocks are too heavy.
Q: Did they play tennis in ancient Egypt?
A: Yes, the bible tells how Joseph served in Pharoah's court!
Q: Why did the tomato blush?
A: Because it saw the salad dressing.
Q: What do you call a mushroom that parties?
A: A fun-guy.
Q: Why didn't the teacher believe the ghost?
A: Because she could see right through him.
Q: Which is faster, heat or cold?
A: Heat, because you can catch a cold.
Q: What's the difference between a conductor and a teacher?
A: One minds the train, the other trains the mind.
Q: Why did the farmer win the nobel prize?
A: He was out standing in his field.
Q: Did you hear the joke about the peanut butter?
A: Nah, I won't tell you, you might spread it.
Q: What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long?
Q: What do prisoners use to call each other?
A: Cell phones.
Q: What do you call a dear with no eyes?
A: No Eye Dear.
Q: What's the difference between a bagpipe and an onion?
A: Nobody cries when you cut up a bagpipe.