Short One-Liners

  • To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you. You have my Word!
  • I’ll call you later. Don’t call me later, call me Dad!
  • How do celebrities stay cool? They have many fans.
  • What’s Forrest Gump’s Facebook password? 1forest1.
  • What do you call it when Batman skips church? Christian Bale.
  • What time did the man go to the dentist? Tooth hurt-y.
  • Did you hear about the man who fell into an upholstery machine? He’s fully recovered.
  • Why didn’t the melons get married? Because they cantaloupe.
  • What kind of egg did the evil chicken lay? A deviled egg.
  • Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back.
  • Why does Snoop Dogg always carry an umbrella? Fo’ Drizzle.
  • What did the fisherman say to the magician? Pick a cod, any cod.
  • What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta.
  • Which is faster, hot or cold? Hot, because you can catch a cold.
  • How do you organize a space party? You planet.
  • Did you know that milk is the fastest liquid on earth? It’s pasteurized before you even see it.
  • Why are skeletons so calm? Because nothing gets under their skin.
  • What did one ocean say to the other ocean? Nothing, they just waved.
  • What does a baby computer call his father? Data.
  • Did you hear about the power outlet who got into a fight with a power cord? He thought he could socket to him.
  • Why are elevator jokes so good? They work on so many levels.
  • Why can’t a leopard hide? Because he’s always spotted.
  • How do moths swim? Using the butterfly stroke.
  • How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh? 10 tickles.
  • Do you know the story about the chicken that crossed the border? Me neither, I couldn’t follow it.
  • I made a pencil with two erasers. It was pointless.
  • How do you make a Kleenex dance? Put a little boogie in it!
  • What do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk!
  • What do you call an illegally parked frog? Toad.
  • Where do baby cats learn to swim? The kitty pool.
  • Why are spiders so smart? They can find everything on the web.
  • How can a leopard change his spots? By moving.
  • WATCH: Perfect Instagram Captions for Father's Day

Cheesy Puns

  • It's inappropriate to make a 'dad joke' if you're not a dad. It's a faux pa.
  • Did you hear about the circus fire? It was in tents.
  • Can February March? No, but April May!
  • How can you tell it’s a dogwood tree? From the bark.
  • How do lawyers say goodbye? We'll be suing ya!
  • Wanna hear a joke about paper? Never mind—it's tearable.
  • What's the best way to watch a fly fishing tournament? Live stream.
  • I could tell a joke about pizza, but it's a little cheesy.
  • Don't trust atoms. They make up everything!
  • When does a joke become a dad joke? When it becomes apparent.
  • I wouldn't buy anything with velcro. It's a total rip-off.
  • What’s an astronaut’s favorite part of a computer? The space bar.
  • I like telling Dad jokes. Sometimes he laughs!

Dad Jokes

Q: What do you call a fish with two knees?

A: You call it a two-knee fish.

 

Q: What kind of shoes do frogs wear?

A: Open Toad

 

Q: What do you call a hippy's wife?

A: Mississippi

 

Q: How does a Japanese Chihuahua say hello?

A: Konichahuahua

 

Q: What do you call a dog who does magic tricks?

A: A Labracadabrador